Nana's Marker

When my Dad was here for Melanie's wedding, the beginning of November, I took him and the girls up to the cemetery. I was surprised to see that her marker had not only arrived, but was in place!

It's a lot bigger than I thought it was going to be, (20 x 20) but it looks just like she designed it!

They did make a mistake on her death date, they are reordering a new one to replace this one, but for now this one will stay until the new one comes in. Probably until spring, we got pummelled with snow this last weekend!!

The Service & Graveside

The Funeral Service was better than I had imagined! Deanna did a wonderful tribute to our Mother, Jackie told some fun stories, Doug talked about the plan of salvation and where she is now.

Of course we had some fabulous music. Nana wanted us to have a Christmas celebration at her services, so we sang Christmas hymns, the kids all sang beautiful songs.

The funeral home recorded the whole thing, I am working on getting copies for everyone!

She wanted a graveside service as well. Didn't record that one, wish I would have thought of that, but I didn't. Denise sang a version of Amazing Grace and I am a Child of God. That was totally unexpected, but turned out really nice. She was shaking so bad towards the end, our brother, Danny, went up to her and stood beside her and held her hand, then one by one all of us siblings stood together as she finished. It was really neat!!

Apparently I was the only one with a camera and I had it with me so we didn't get a pic of that. :(

She wanted me to read a statement from her, then Bro Fallentine dedicated the grave, then Jon sang God Bless America per her request.

This was the first time in 24 years that all 5 of us siblings have been together! It was no easy feat, but well worth the effort! I wish we would have taken more pictures!! It definately was over way too fast!

These men were the missionaries that taught her the gospel in Portland, Oregon so many years ago! Bro Tom Tolman and Bro John Brady.

It was very beautiful. Her body is laid to rest in a quiet little cemetery up on the hill in Bountiful, with a temple view! But I want to bear testimony that She lives in heaven and is rejoicing!

I love you, Momma!

We ALL love you!!

The Viewing

I wanted to get some picture posted for those of you who were not able to attend. I'm sorry for the wait, I'll try to get most of them on here in the next couple of weeks.

We had the Viewing on Thursday, Oct 14th. It was held in the West Relief Society room of the Church Bldg.

I Probably should note that the baby in Kirsten's arms is not hers and Jesse's, but his sister, Sara's! :)

Thanks to all who travelled so far and made such great efforts to be here!


To those who wanted to, but just couldn't be here, I realize how hard that must have been. Know that we Love you and felt of your love and prayers, in return!

Stuff Like That There (my memory)

It was great to read that last post, cause a funny memory came to me about that song as well! Back when I used to spend every weekend with Nana (I was maybe 10 or so) she would always rent the wierdest movies that she just swore I would love. Back then I always had so much fun to watch them with her, but now as an adult, I wonder what was she thinkin!!??!! Such as "Flowers in the Attic" and  "Mommy Dearest" but one in particular was of coarse "For the Boys" (hence the Stuff Like That There). Not that it was such a terrible movie for me to watch, but I remember becoming obsessed with that song. I LOVED it! I even recorded it and took it to school so I could share it as my "bring your favorite song to school, and share with the class" day. I can't help but crack up thinking about me singing with the song in 5th grade in front of all my friends....I want some huggin, and some squeezing, and some lovin, and some teasin, and some.......stuff like that there! I seriously wonder what the teachers said in the lounge about me that day! LOL She used to love when I memorized songs to sing them to her.... she also loved when I sang her "Diamonds are a Girls Bestfriend" and Madonnas Dick Tracy song "Hanky Panky" (Thats right.....nothin like a good spanky LOL).

I sure do miss her!
XOXO

Watching American Idol with Nana

So, about a year or so ago I got the first season of American Idol which Nana and I watched together. I remember our favorite episode was "Band Night". But more so than that was Kelly Clarkson singing "Stuff Like That There". The first time we watched it we looked at each other and were like "WOW"! We watch it like three/four times in a row because we were impressed with not only the singing but the performance she gave. At the end of the season she said this was her favorite performance of the season so we watched it again.

My Tender Mercy

Elder Bednar (one of the twelve apostles) spoke in a conference session a couple years ago, (has it been that long?) about the tender mercies that come to us and testify that our Heavenly Father is VERY mindful of us individually.

As I've mentioned in a previous post, Nana wasn't very responsive in person the last few days. Fortunately, she was to family on the phone, but it was disheartening to be taking care of her and have very little interpersonal response. I was feeling a little sorry for myself and even mentioned it to her nurse.

Friday, a little bit after our Alex miracle, I left the room for something. As I re entered the room, She noticed me! She looked right at me, her eyes lit up, she even made sounds that indicated she was happy to see me!! I was surprised but, immediately responded,

"MOMMA, YOU KNOW WHO I AM!!

She smiled, as I ran over to her bedside, literally climbed over Ashley, jumped onto the couch so I could reach her face over the side rails of the bed! I kissed her, and she kissed me back! She looked at me as if to say, Thank you and I Love You! I kissed her again, and told her I loved her, too!

Natalie witnessed this excitement and said she wanted some kisses too, she ran over to the other side of the bed. Jon helped her get her cute little face over the railing. Nana smiled, puckered and kissed her too!

GG said she seemed to recognize RJ when he called later that night. But that was the last time I saw her responsive at all. She never regained consciousness the rest of that night or the next day!

I truly believe my Heavenly Father had a hand in that experience, to somehow, soften the blow her death would cause. I am truly Grateful for my knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father who manifests his love for me daily in my life!!

Baby Alex

As promised, I will tell the fun story that goes with this picture...

Throughout her last days, she really wasn't very coherent, or able to communicate very well. She would be awake, but not really there. I remember commenting that she would respond better to people on the phone than to me in person. (I was grateful for that in a lot of ways though, she was able to respond and recognize people that just couldn't be here. Both Danny & Denise were able to talk to her earlier in the week!) Every once in a while, I would get a definite, eh huh, but usually she just didn't respond or recognize me very well. And Everyday was getting less and less.

Friday, my brother David, Ashley, and sweet baby Alex showed up. Nana was awake but, again, not really "with" us. She was agitated and kept pulling her hands out of ours. Moaning and groaning. I wasn't sure if she knew who David was. I was feeling sad for him because he had driven the 3 hours to be with her and I was worried she wouldn't know he was here.

Baby Alex started crying and fussing. We could tell Nana heard him, but really didn't know what the sound was. David pulled him out of his seat and held him up to show her. It took her a minute but all of a sudden she was with us! She couldn't really say much, but her grunting and moaning was recognition, surprise, joy, and excitement!! David held him close enough for her to see him good and so I could hold her hand up to touch his hands, face and head! She started to show fear, we realized she was worried about us trying to put him in her arms. We assured her that she could just touch him, then she was fine. I called to Jon to grab the camera, but she was already fading back out as we got it out and took some pictures. It only lasted a few minutes, but it was joyous to see her enjoy his sweetness!! David did get a few moments as well.

It truly was a blessing for all of us to watch! I also saw recognition and an effort to respond to a phone call from her sister, Jackie. She had been on a cruise that week and called as soon as they got in. These last glimpses were truly miraculous for each of us. GG said that she responded to RJ on the phone that afternoon, as well.

I'll save my miracle for another post! :)

Invitation

I would like to extend an invitation to all who knew and loved my mom to share memories, fun times, things you learned from her, or feelings, etc with the rest of us. I think it would help all of us to remember her in a fun way!

If you are not already a contributor, please email me and I will add you.

I'm still planning on posting some pics and stories surrounding her final days and services. So stay tuned!

I hope to hear from you, either posts or comments!

Love to you all!!

Funeral Services

We are still working on the details of everything, but we have decided on...

Funeral
Friday, Oct 15th, 2010 at 11am
Bountiful 20th Ward Bldg
102 East 1400 South

Viewing
The night before (Thurs.) from 6 - 8pm
and the morning of at 10am.
Bountiful 20th Ward Bldg

She's Gone

My Sweet Momma passed away very peaceably in her sleep last night.

It was a very humbling and wonderful experience to be with her at her passing.

When I have a minute to breath, I will post a few stories about her last days.

We have no plans yet for the funeral but are looking at Thursday or Friday. I will post and call people as I know.

We are doing fine and appreciate your thoughts and prayers.

We love you!

Still Declining

It is amazing to me how fast this is happening! Well not really, we have been waiting for this to happen for 3 years! They did say this is how it would happen. There are nephrons that filter for the kidneys. As each one dies it puts more strain and pressure on the remaining. At some point it will be too much load on the remaining and they will all die at the same time. It appears this is what's happening.

She is just about bedridden at this point. She's not conscious very much anymore, She slept just about all day yesterday. When she is awake, it's not for long and she's just about not understandable, I had a hard time this morning. She has had no food since Monday night, just ice cubes.

No TV last night, no coloring for 3 nights!

No More Trips to the Bathroom!?

Well, sort of. Yesterday Nana kept stopping in the middle of the hallway and trying to give up going the rest of the way to the bathroom. I had to really talk her into getting all the way in there, she just wanted to give up. It just is so much work to move her body around. Up until now, I wasn't ready to give up that trip down the hall because it was her only exercise anymore. I just feel once she gives that up, her muscles are going to really deteriorate and she will be bedridden soon. She already was complaining her muscles hurt because she stopped walking around the house, coming into the kitchen and livingroom areas for short periods of time.

Well, after yesterday, I felt she was in danger of actually falling. I really can't hold her up, I can balance and steady her, but if she were to really buckle and give up, I'm afraid she would go down. So we gave in last night and set her up a bedside commode. I went out and got one of those office chair plastic pads to put under it and deodorized garbage bags to help contain the odor. So far so good.

It is better for her breathing not to make the long trek, but not so good on her muscles. She's more and more puffy and talks more and more slurred. Last night I think was the first time she didn't break out her coloring books and color. She didn't eat much yesterday either, I wouldn't even say but a 1/3 to 1/4 of one meal.

I'll try to keep you posted more often.

Love to you all!

Nana is still going downhill

Nana is still declining rapidly. Her heart rate is continuing to rise yesterday is was 132! Her blood pressure is dropping. Her breathing is getting more and more labored. We have her on 3 liters now and sometimes that's not enough. She can hardly move around without wheezing all over the place. The breathing treatments help but she still is working real hard to get enough air.

Her nurse is saying they don't expect her to bounce back this time. I guess only time will tell. She expects her to slip into a coma before she actually passes away. No one knows for sure how long this will go on, but I guess they think this is it.

They told me to tell people if you want to see/talk to her...Don't wait too long.

Breathing Treatments

Nana is having such a hard time breathing these days, we started her on albuterol breathing treatments last Thursday. It seems to be helping. Things just aren't looking very good at this point.

Yesterday she didn't feel much like talking at all. It just is taking too much work! But she still is coloring! I could hear her use her pencil sharpener last night!!

Good Bye, Dr. Wilcox

Today was her last follow up visit with Dr. Wilcox, eye surgeon! She is not seeing as well as she has been, I think, due to her recent strokes. (I think she may have had another one yesterday.) She just is really out of it, She couldn't read much of any of the charts. He did say she is having some retinal membrane issues (probably due to the diabetes) and wants us to continue the Nevanac eye drops 3 times a day for a month. Then we'll go back to see Dr. Wilkes (the original eye doc) in about 3 weeks.

Another Stroke??

It looks like Nana has had another mini stroke on Wednesday. She was having trouble speaking most of the day and also trouble swallowing. When Rose came by yesterday, we asked her about it and she said those two symptoms usually go together and it was likely this was another one!

I fully expected her to be wiped yesterday, but it didn't happen until today, she didn't get up until 4pm!!

Her follow up on her eye went well. We will continue her drops and go back in a week. She reports being able to see all sorts of things she couldn't before, even with her glasses!! It's about the easiest surgery you could have!!

It's Done!

We were finally able to convince the anesthesiologist to schedule the surgery on her other eye! It was on the condition that he would observe her, the day of, before the surgery, to make sure he was comfortable with her condition. I was pretty worried they weren't going to do it. She just isn't doing very good these days. I even prepped Nana for the possibility. She said she prayed a lot last night.

We got there at 6:30am! They treated her just like the last time. It was as though we never had the conversations the weeks before! I didn't say anything!!! I just let them go for it! I thought I was in trouble when he asked if she was relatively healthy???? (As he's looking at her chart?) I just said, well, as healthy as can be expected for a hospice patient! :) He gets this look on his face, and starts going through her charts a little more thoroughly, "little" being the operative word! He asked what she was on hospice for... kidney failure. Okay, but her heart is healthy?? Do these guys actually read the chart when they "look" through it???? I just looked at mom, wondering what she was going to say, she was looking at me...before we could answer, he asked if she's had heart surgery? She had a stint put in about 7 years ago. That changed the subject enough! He said okay! Let's go!! Pheww!! I thought we were going to lose it for sure!!

She did it!! Came through it with flying colors! She was so happy to be back home and in her bed with both eyes fixed from the cataracts!! She's a little swollen tonight, but she is doing well as far as the surgery is concerned.

As far as my last post, things are about the same. Her oxygen levels were down to 87% at the surgical center this morning on room air. They asked if she was on oxygen at home, I said yes. So the nurse just put her on it! That shot her levels up to 97%, good enough for surgery!! Her heart rate was in the high 90's and her blood pressure was a lot more normal 136/96! I think Heavenly Father really blessed her. She wanted this done so bad and behind her. It was really hard to have half of her vision.

Thinking about it, Again??

I never know what to say, or how much to say. I just don't like this guessing game.

Nana appears to be doing much better on the outside, but apparently on the inside she is not doing so good....Here are some of her vitals and symptoms....

*higher heart rate, 120 to 170 beats per minute resting. Not all the time but more and more consistently.

*lower blood pressure, not only low for her, but low! 97/66 yesterday.

*She's struggling with heart burn, and nausea on a regular basis.

*More and more chest pain. comes and goes.

*She's on and off oxygen on a regular basis.

*She's talking about people who have passed away visiting her again.

*She's also talking about feeling like her days are numbered. When I asked her how that felt, she just said I want to see everyone I know and say goodbye!



What does all this mean?? I really can't say, but Hospice is preparing again. We've been here before, but I guess we just really never know. So...Take it how you want and act accordingly! :)

PS Her cataract surgery is rescheduled for Tuesday, Sept 7th. But we'll see how she's doing whether or not they'll actually do it!

Wow! What a Week!

Nana has been doing so good for so long, I guess it was time for something to happen.

She had the head hospice nurse come over on Thursday (Aug 19th) to talk to her and assess whether she should stay on hospice or move on until she needed the extra care. They decided that they were going to get some blood work done and see where her "numbers" were and go from there. She was just doing so good.

Well wouldn't you know it, as soon as we think this isn't going to happen, she has a set back. We think she had another TIA that very next day! She went to bed on Friday (Aug 20th) just fine. She woke up on Sat just whacked!! I couldn't believe the night and day difference! She was back on oxygen, sleeping most of the day, not really coherent when she was awake. She hardly ate anything that whole weekend.

When it came time to go in for her cataract surgery on her left eye (aug 24th), she was improving but not as much as I hoped, so I had to tell them what was going on. It of course, not only halted the procedure for that day, but I am currently still fighting for them to go ahead with it after she's feeling up to it again. They are saying they never would have done it in the first place had they known her "condition"! What!??? It's still undecided, I'm still working on it. Her surgeon doesn't have a problem, it's the anesthesiologist at this facility. We might have to wait until there's an opening at the hospital to get it done.

Anyway, her blood work came back as being very qualified to stay on hospice. So they did all the paperwork to keep her on.

She is doing much better only as of last night. She has had that look of "the lights are on, but nobody is home" in her eyes for over a week! Last night was the first time she actually looked like she was coherently "in there"! She got up this morning and took a shower and seems pretty with it. I don't think she's been on oxygen since Saturday!

All I can say is, Wow! What a Week!! :)

Post Op Appointment

We went to see Dr. Wilcox today.

They tested her eye and they said her eye sight at this point is phenomenal!! She's seeing 20/25 without her glasses!! They also said it would get better when the swelling from the surgery goes down!

She is a happy camper! Even with only one eye done, she's reporting being able to see so much better!! She was watching TV yesterday with out her glasses and could actually make out faces!

We have to continue the eye drops for another week, then go back for another follow up visit. By that time it will be time to start the drops for the other eye in preparation for the same surgery!

She can hardly wait until it's all over!! August is going to be over before we know it!

One Down, One to Go!

Nana had her cataract surgery on her right eye this morning! Everything went according to plan!! We had to get up at 6am! When I went in to get her, she seemed to have already been awake. She said she hadn't slept all night! She didn't feel anxious at this point but she said the dog kept her up most of the night. Maybe she was more anxious than she thought and the dog sensed it and couldn't settle down. I am so glad she kept her door closed so Lady didn't come bug me!!

Anyway, we got up at 6am, she had to come in all showered, so she showered and we were off. We got there at 6:45am. We checked in and waited for them to call us back. This is where she started getting more visibly anxious. The waiting and prepping is always the worst part!

They finally called her back. I had to wait for them to prep her. I went back after she was all prepped and ready to go. She had a cute cap on her head, oxygen, the dreaded IV (she couldn't wait to show me what they had done to her!) I forgot to take a picture at this point, I'll get one when we go back to do the other eye!

It was finally time to go back! I went back to the waiting room. It wasn't very long before they came back to get me. She was sitting up in a chair. The first thing she said was, "it was as easy as they said it would be!!!!" Yeah!! She was awake the whole time and she said there was no pain!!

She has to wear this eye guard when she is sleeping or napping so prevent her from accidentally rubbing or bumping her eye and knocking the lens out of her eye. There are no stitches to hold it in, so it can be knocked out for up to a week! She'll probably wear it more often with the dog around!

We got our instructions, got her dressed, and we were out the door! We came into the house and she bee-lined it for her room. She barely took the time to slip off her slippers and she was back in her bed all comfy, cozy by 9am!!

We have a follow up visit tomorrow morning and then we do it all again for her left eye in two weeks!!

Sorry for my neglect!

I haven't been very good at keeping the updates very accurate lately, sorry about that!

Nana is actually having a pretty good summer this year! She seems to be doing pretty good for now!

She decided not to spend the entire summer at Dee's like she did last year. But she has gone a couple times for a week or two at a time! That seems to suit her a little better.

She's been attending church a lot more regularly. She even attended our ward summer party and Jon's play at an outdoor theater last week! She still has a hard time getting around, but seems to be making an effort to do so.

Last week we decided to take her to get her eyes checked to see if we could renew her glasses prescription and get her seeing a bit better. The Doc said that renewing her glasses would only improve her eyesight by about 10%. What she really needed was cataract surgery! We talked it over and he called the surgeon and talked it over and we have all decided to go ahead with the surgery!

She saw the surgeon today, we go back to have another test tomorrow. Then her right eye is scheduled for Aug 10th and the left on Aug 24th! He said it is a very fast, very easy surgery and she will be able to see TONS better. She shouldn't need glasses for distance, just to read and see things up close!

She is so excited to be able to see again!

Nana's back at Dee's

Nana decided to pull a fast one on me this weekend. She announced saturday that she was headed to Dee's for the rest of May! Dee finished school and they started making plans!

Last year she went for the whole summer, this year she decided to break it up and go for a few weeks, then come home for a few weeks, then go back again.

She seems to be on an upswing right now, so I hope she does well!

Happy Mother's Day!!

More Awake!

Just a quick note to let you know she is doing better again. I don't know what that was all about, as usual.

She still sleeps a lot, but when she's awake she's much more alert than she was when I wrote last.

She spent Easter weekend with Dee, at her house. All went well, She had a great time, but she's always happy to be back in her bed!!

Doing Not So Good, After All

It's funny how it works, I mention how well she's doing and bamm! She's back to sleeping A LOT!

She's back to sleeping 16 to 20 hours a day, and when she's awake she's very sleepy and she's slurring her words. She's telling us she has been experiencing some lower back pain. She's back on oxygen about half the day. This has been going on for almost two weeks.

I really didn't think too much of it because we all know we've been here before. What made me think I better start saying something is that when her nurse came over yesterday, she started talking funeral arrangements. I had to pull out my stuff and show her what we had and where we were at in that regard.

I don't want to alarm anyone, I just want to do my job to inform you whats going on. This could mean nothing at all, just one of those little pit falls and she'll bounce back like she's been doing. Or maybe the nurse knows something I don't! I'll try to keep you posted.

Feeling Pretty Good

Just an update...

Nana seems to be feeling pretty good these days! Her foot seems to be healing, finally. She is attending her church meetings and getting out on shopping trips here and there throughout the month. She made it out to see the new Sherlock Holmes movie, too!

She's enjoying her readers. She has a volunteer from Hospice that comes once a week and reads her RS lessons and conference issues of the Ensign to her. She also has Jon reading the Fablehaven books to her, it's fun to hear them talking and laughing in there.

So far, no more falls!!