Love you momma!

I tried to write yesterday, but it was just a little too rough. So, today...a day late which momma and Donna could tell you is not that unusual for me...I want to wish my mom a Happy Birthday. I know it doesn't mean must to her now, but it is a day of remembrance for me.
Mom loved this time of year. I don't know if it was Spring Conference, Mother's Day, the first blooms of Spring or her birthday. Probably a mix of all of the above, including some pretty intense season finale's of her favorite fall shows and the season openers of her favorite summer shows! Momma loved her TV :)
Normally, I would be planning a date to take her to see Pirates next week and making our plans for Potter...movies were another great passion of mom's. She would be excited about the next Holmes movie and she would pretend to be anxiously awaiting The Hobbit just for me!
I love moments that bring happy memories of my mother.
Yesterday, I started watching the first season of Law & Order, one of her most favorite shows. I have never watched these early shows and now I understand why she loved it so much. These early shows are actually pretty good! I do miss Lenny tho!
I love my mother, now as always and I will miss her till I join her. I have learned that grief doesn't follow a set path or time frame. It is different for everyone. I don't have to "move on" or "get over it" on anyone else's schedule but my own. My pain is real and my sorrow is deep.
Let me tell you a secret I've been carrying around for the last 6 months....when I think of mom, the first thing I think of is when I walked into Donna's home, knowing mom was already gone. I hugged Donna at the door and then went into mom's room. She was so still and all was calm around her. I reached out and touched her hair as I leaned down to kiss her forehead. Her skin was cool. Her cheek did not depress under the pressure of my fingertips as I stroked her tenderly. I remember the feel of her cheek, the cheek I had kissed so many times in my life. Its her cheek that I remember the most.
She made me promise that when she passed, I would go on with my schooling and career plans. She made me promise that I would not slip into depression and stop living or lose ground of recovery I have covered over the past few years and I have done my best to live up to that promise, not for me, but for her. I think she knew I would need that promise in order to keep things together these first months after her death. But what about the years ahead, I wonder. Right now, I go on with the victim assistance because it gives me a purpose and one she would be proud of.
I love my mother and I miss her more than I possibly describe.
I hope we all come back to this blog and talk together about our feelings as her family and friends. I hope more come here and feel free to talk about her and themselves. We can help each other by sharing with each other.
Let us help each other heal by not being afraid to talk about her and our thoughts, feelings and sorrow...even our anger.
Some of us may never move on, but that doesn't our lives stop or that we stop functioning.
Please join me in sharing with each other with an open, honest forum to deal with our grief and sorrow as well as our healing and joy.
I love you all so very much.
Dee